Compliment Schmopliment

When I was a young teen I went to drama camp. it wasn’t very official. It was cheap. So who cared if I didn’t really like acting or going to places?

For some reason, we had to audition for parts we didn’t want or fully understand. I was handed some lines and pitted against another girl for the part of Main Girl. I was ready to just hand the coveted part over but I had a feeling that wasn’t an option.

I started saying the words out loud.

The instructor was impressed and said so.

It was the worst possible scenario.

I suddenly had nowhere left to go but down.

The pressure was intense.

My hands started shaking and my vision became blurry.

I couldn’t keep the paper still and couldn’t see the words.

I looked up at the instructor’s frozen grin.

She was no longer impressed.

My body settled down and I quickly finished up the lines.

I didn’t get the part.

The world made sense again.

15 years later and I still can’t take a compliment.

If someone says to me, You handled that well. I start to fumble with my words and try to convince them why they’re wrong.

Then they stare at me.

Then I don’t stop talking nonsense.

Then I run out of breath.

...

Then they change the subject.

I recently was speaking with a woman about a very small thing we had in common. I expressed to her that I often don’t pursue what I want because I assume I will fail. She threw her head back in surprise and said, I have never felt that way. That kind of thought has never entered my head. I’ve never felt like I couldn’t do something.

And I thought, So you used your confidence to become a lawyer? Maybe I’m glad to be self-conscience.