Durst Commend a Secret to your Ear

I had only been a technical adult for maybe a year when I was entrusted with a large, serious secret.

I was on the phone, listening to a sad, traumatizing story through someone else's tears. I stared at the ceiling. I felt surprised but mostly I wondered why it was a secret. I would not have kept it a secret if it were my story so I didn’t know how to relate.

Silence came next.

I guessed the story must have been over.

My brain said, Are you crazy? Who would judge you for that? I certainly would never hold it against you. You are an amazingly strong person and I look up to you. I agonize at the mere thought of your disapproval. Your secret changes nothing. I love you.

“Ok,” said my mouth.

More silence happened. My brain rolled its figurative eyes at me.

I was asked to not tell a soul.

“Ok.”

My brain took a backseat until the call was eventually over.

The secret was never mentioned again; never even alluded to for years. Some nights I would stay up in bed thinking about how I had botched up the whole situation. I had never said what I was thinking. I never reassured.

I decided I would have to do it. I was going to say, “I don’t care! You are nothing less to me. Don’t feel so low. Look at all the wonderful things about yourself.” I was so proud of myself for thinking about being such a noble person. I cried.

We were alone. It was a sunshiny day; very pleasant.

It was a day of action. A day to be an emotionally responsible adult.

I felt the knot of words being mushed together as they moved from my brain down to my lips. They squished themselves through filters and funnels.

They stopped for a while to verify that I was sure. Do you really want to put yourself out there? Caution! Someone might give you a hug!

Then I remembered about being noble.

When the words finally came out it was something like this, “Well, so, you know that thing you told me that time? About the thing? I mean it’s fine or whatever. It’s no big deal. Well, it is but it’s not really to me. So if you want to ever talk about it, you can but, like, it’s fine.”

Then they said, “Oh that? Everybody knows about that.”

“What?”

“Yeah I told everybody. I’m doing good now. But thank you.”

Then they gave me a hug.